rev. dr. mrs. MOM

So here is my test run at this blogging thing...

I had this amazing thing happen to me this past year. I actually became PREGNANT. Now to many people, this is a simple task associated with much fun! However for my husband and I, it was a challenge to be conquered. So four years and thousands of dollars later, we succeeded and life changed forever... for the better!

I received a new title after 4 years + 9 1/2 months of waiting. That title is MOM! It cost just as much as my earned doctoral degree and took half as long as it did for me to walk down the center aisle to marry the man of my dreams. But this title is more special than I could have ever imagined. And it was worth the wait.

Waiting... now that is not my strong suit. I have many other qualities - driven, tenacious, visionary, and most of all, stubborn. But waiting doesn't fit so well with the other descriptive characteristics of my life. However, the title of MOM would be directly connected with the unfamiliar and detested word - WAIT.

Now, don't get me wrong. Action was a part of the waiting process. Trust me, we tried about everything imaginable to try and get pregnant on our own. Can't complain about that part. But after about a year, every month was filled with anticipation and then disappointment... anticipation and then disappointment. Over and over again. And it seemed so out of our hands - out of my control. I knew how to study super hard and come out with an A at the end of a difficult semester. I knew how to attract the man who would be my future husband and eventually marry him. But I didn't know how to just completely trust a totally natural, physical process that is completely out of my hands.

I will never forget our first trip to the fertility clinic. I felt like a total failure as I walked through those doors. It took everything in me not to cry as we described our "situation" to the doctor sitting behind a very large desk in a high-tech (not so high-touch) office. I thought to myself as he described options and costs associated with each try, "How many people have contributed financially so he could sit in this beautiful space?" I have to say I leaned towards cynical as procedure after procedure failed. From Oklahoma to California, the trials continued. I felt like one big experiment - needles, hormones, drugs, and the dreaded pregnancy test at the end of each cycle. I can't even begin to describe the pain and frustration of seeing the (-) negative sign at the end of a $12,000 month. But we didn't give up. And I'm so glad we didn't.

The road was long, curvy and sometimes almost too narrow to continue to follow. I felt like I was drifting off the path of sanity when I considered the cost, emotionally, physically and financially. Why did I even care about the title MOM? A lot of people have it. Doesn't seem too prestigious. Costs a lot of money and often means a career sacrifice at some level. Lack of sleep. Lack of personal time and freedom. What am I doing? I could buy a brand new Ferrari OR try for the title. Am I crazy? This seems like fuzzy math at best:) I'm not Celine Dion. I don't have an endless supply of money to keep trying. God where are you???@$#!

Just a few questions/thoughts swirling in my head as we headed one last time to fertility clinic in northern California to implant 3 grade-A embryos. That morning, my doctor went into labor - OF COURSE!! Everyone around me was pregnant or having babies (including 4 close colleagues at work - one with twins)... except me. So why not my attending physician? This was par for the course I was on. Another doctor on call came to the rescue, implanted the tiny microorganisms we call embryos and wheeled me back to recovery. He said the most optimistic statement I had heard in all those years of trying. "Well, if you didn't want to be pregnant, it's too late now," with a smile ear to ear. He BELIEVED and I didn't - even though I had just seen 3 perfectly formed embryos under the microscope moments before. The statement from my other doctor "We can do everything but make them attach to the uterine wall" kept screaming in my head. Why can't they make it work? With all this technology and cost, "you're telling me the one thing that allows pregnancy to really happen is out of your control?" That's right. Totally out of everyone's control. And that's when a higher power - God - steps in.

So out of those 3 perfectly formed embryos, I am holding the most beautiful baby girl I've ever seen. One out of three - actually one out of eleven was a success story. Not great odds. But God-ordained results. And now that I hold the awe-inspiring, nebulous, constantly redefining title of MOM, I am grateful, even as I struggle with the why? Why not the first time? Why doesn't this work for everyone? Why so much pain in the process? Even today, I am donating the one embryo that was left. So once again, there is pain in letting go of a little bit of a dream that could have possibly been. But I must live in the joy of now and the beauty of Bella Jewel that is my blessing from above! No question about that - a true miracle mixed with waiting and perseverance and pain. That's life!